Mixed Feelings

So, as you know (Hair flip), I've been listed! Again! 

Ya'll!! Hey! I just got out the hospital last week but I feel so motivated and encouraged!  I look and feel like PEPPA PIG! I'm feeling a lot better and things are starting to look up on the bright side. I'm taking antibiotics and the pain medicine has really helped. I told the world that a couple of weeks ago that I've been placed back on the Kidney transplant list and it's great! However, my feelings are actually mixed this time. Once I received that call, I did shed a tear but there are pros and cons to being listed and getting a kidney transplant. 

Many times when I have mixed feelings like this, some people just don't understand why I feel the way that I do. Looking from the outside in people feel that being listed AGAIN is truly a blessing because of the mere fact that some, if not many people, are given that chance again. Believe it or not, I couldn't agree with them more. However, people looking from the outside in can only see what they can—from the outside. They can’t see all the other factors that play into the transplant process.

There are pros to being listed. First off, it took me only a month to be placed on the kidney transplant list—which is quick—because I did all my labs, went to every appointment and made sure I was compliant with every requirement they threw at me, including keeping down my weight, seeking therapy and even going to every dialysis treatment (thank you Angela!).  The last time, it took me about 2 or 3 months to be listed and overall from start to finish, I received Bobby in about 7-8 months. I was on Hemo-dialysis for a month and I rode the other 7 months out on peritoneal dialysis; which was sweet because peritoneal dialysis allowed me to live my life just as I lived without dialysis. No more carrying around that heavy machine wherever I slept and all those heavy bags of fluids!

But then, there are the cons—the ones that people tend to overlook—the ones I dread. Receiving a transplant hurts in all honesty. Not trying to burst anyone’s happy bubble but my incision required 47 staples; from the lower right side of my abdomen all the way down past my belly fat (fupa lol) to my mons pubis. I can hear people now, “but it was all worth it”. Yes it was, that’s why I’m going through this process again. However, I think people tend to forget about the fact that you’re not only affected physically but mentally too. No, I wasn’t sad when I received Bobby. I felt like the happiest person in the world and knew from that moment out that I could now live as normal as I could, continuing my journey of knocking down obstacles and overcoming the same goals I set before myself prior to the transplant.

But then I began to struggle. I struggled keeping my weight down and I was required to take so many meds that had side effects that seemed worse than when I was on dialysis. I was now at a high risk for skin cancer, diabetes, bone issues and factors that I hadn’t even thought about. I was 25 years old! I haven’t even lived lived yet! I just assumed that once I got my new kidney everything would go away and it’ll be just like it was prior to 2011. HELLS NO. Far from it. Once you receive a transplant, you have to visit the hospital about every day for the first month and then every week and then about once a month because the hospital is keeping a very close eye on you and the kidney. So imagine, you’re recovering in Port St. Lucie, you aren’t allowed to drive for a month, and you have to get to Weston, Florida every day for the next month. Thank God for my stepmom because everyone else worked. But now things are a little different. My stepmom has Lupus as well and this go around, she hasn’t been doing too good. So, I have to figure all of this out but do know, I am NOT pressed. God has always made a way out of no way and I’m confident that he will come in clutch again.
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Despite it all, I am more than excited to be listed, it’s a true blessing, especially because it’s my second go around. However, I will admit, I am NEEERRVOOUUSS! I’m always thinking about complications and honestly, I’m tired of being poked and cut on. I tend to keep it all together but it does get to me mentally. Like I’ve always said, I just want to be healthy and I am so tired of being sick. I’m bubbly and bouncy and when I’m sick I can’t be Bubbly Brie. 💜💜💜💜💜💜