Frustrated..

Sometimes it's the little things that can have an affect on you mentally...

I know I was supposed to be dropping the post, Pain Meds Have Sided Effects Too, but since then, I got locked up...again.  So what happened? What's going on? Before I get into all of that I have to admit, this hospital stay has been one of the toughest...more mentally and emotionally than anything. Everybody knows that The LupieGirl is bubbly and always positive but this post aint that. Right now, I need a moment to vent and get my feelings off my chest because I almost lost my mind; But God. 

I expected to be here no more than FOUR days...

Well, that is what I was hoping for. However, it's been an entire week and I'm still in here. So what happened? Well, it's Bobby, my Transplanted Kidney. So in the kidneys, you have the Creatinine, which is a waste product from the normal breakdown of the muscle tissue. As creatinine is produced, it is filtered through the kidneys and excreted through the urine. So, when the creatinine levels are high, that signifies that the kidney is not properly excreting the waste, which is a huge issue--in my case-- causing kidney rejection.  So to go into more detail, there are good and bad antibodies that regulate your body. However, when you have something foreign in the body, such as an organ, virus, etc.,  the body will work to protect the body by attacking that foreign thing. So now I have antibodies in my kidney that is damaging the kidney, resulting in a rejection. 

But believe it or not. That isn't my issue. I've experienced a rejection before. My issue is that now I had to undergo a procedure where a temporary dialysis catheter was placed in my neck for something called Plasmapheresis, a procedure that is similar to dialysis but as John Hopkins explains it,
"Plasmapheresis removes the plasma portion of the blood where antibodies are located. Plasma is known as the almost clear part of the blood which carries red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets and other substances to your mainstream."  

In other words, TEMPORARY DIALYSIS.

I broke down.. All the way down yall. Screams, tears, elevated heart rate, spiked blood pressure, ALLADAT. Even though they constantly remind me that it's not dialysis, it's similar. It reminds me of Hemo-dialysis, which I dread. I did Hemo-dialysis for a month and for the first week I felt sicker than ever. However, this procedure doesn't drain me but I'm just like why? Why now? I was doing great, despite my high stress spell I was experiencing. Physically, I'm just sore. Mentally and emotionally, I am scattered. I feel a white flag but so many people are rooting for me, even though I've stopped rooting for myself. I just want to be normal. I just want to be like other 26 year olds, living and just going through life... whatever that is.
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I've been in here a week and I've been stuck 30 times, NOT including the glucose sticks that I get because high doses of steroids spikes my sugar, putting me a risk for diabetes. It's just one thing after another and I was sooo sure that after my transplant, I would be normal. HA! I take more meds now than ever. I've gained almost 40 pounds and I'm just like ugh. Here in the hospital, I am in and out of sleep because of the constant cleaning of the room, pop ins from different teams of doctors, needle sticks and sugar readings. LOL , 3 AM this morning, I was up, in pain, getting stuck again for the 30th time because another vein blew. 

If you have a moment, reflect on your life and remember, things could be worst. 

Could anyone just pray for me?